Raining on the inside

I feel wrung out today. Absolutely wrung out. We had such a wonderful day yesterday and enjoyed sunshine in spite of the weather. Today however is a different story. It is another cold rainy day and my feelings mirror it. Yes, it is “raining on the inside” today and my heart feels cold and damp. Maybe I will go sit by the fire for a while and wrap myself in a blanket, my mind in a good book and my heart in some warm memories. Yes, I think that is what is called for today.

We woke up to the sound of icy rain pelting against the bedroom window yesterday so I rolled over and turned on the radio to get a weather report. School busses were cancelled because of icy roads! Oh dear. AC had an appointment to take the car in for a repair at 7:30am and then we had planned on going out for a Valentine’s Day breakfast. Maybe we should cancel plans and stay home. Hmmmm, what should we do? By the time we got up and dressed the icy rain had turned to just plain rain so we carried on as planned.

We made our own sunshine, and enjoyed a warm sunny day even though it poured rain all day. After dinner we settled down to watch what we thought was a light-hearted romantic movie - The Notebook. I guess it was light-hearted and fun in spots, but it hit so close to home and was so sad at the end that I sat on the couch and wept as the closing credits rolled on the screen. Neither AC nor I could talk at the end of the movie, nor did either of us move to switch off the CD player. We just sat there in the dark and wept as the music played and the credits rolled.

I am feeling the aftermath of that emotional wringer today, and am walking very slowly through my day as a result of it. Memories of past pain and fear of what the future might hold is causing the icy rain to fall on the inside and chill my heart today.

Not long ago we watched a dear one stumble through his days at the end of his life. He didn’t know what season it was, where he was, why there were all these strangers around him, and why he couldn’t just go home. It was so sad to see him so confused and alone in the nursing home but there was nothing else we could do.

Visiting him was exhausting, and when I was at the hospital I just wanted to go home to bed, but when I was at home I felt like I should be at the hospital to help him. I couldn’t find peace anywhere.

I watched this movie last night and all those thoughts and feelings and fears came rushing back like a tidal wave. I felt the pain of the past, and the fear of the future wash over me and almost swamp me. The wave has passed, and I have my head above water today, but I feel like I am just clinging to a piece of driftwood and the chill of the icy water is still all around me. I can’t see or feel any sunshine right now, but I will hang on until tomorrow. The sun will come out again, tomorrow.

If an icy storm is blasting into your life today, just hang on until tomorrow. Hang on.