Saturday, September 18, 2004


Last year we were offered a piece of rural property at a very reasonable price. That started us thinking seriously about a move to the country now that we are retired and free to go where we want. We have contacted many a real estate agent and put numerous k’s on our car trekking around the land looking at houses in various nooks and crannies of this province. Alas, we haven’t found a perfect spot for us yet. We keep looking each time we travel though and always wonder as we wander, if we will find “the” house this time.

During our last trip away, we did find a house that tempted us to make an offer, but it wasn’t perfect and the price was a tad higher than we wanted to go. It did make us wonder though and seriously think about making an offer on it. What to do? What to do?!

Sleepless nights and hectic days have been my companions for the past little while and have me feeling a bit frazzled these days. The other morning I got up rather bleary eyed after a night of tossing and turning, and puttered down to the kitchen to feed the little furry guy meowing for his tuna. I stumbled around the kitchen mindlessly making coffee and getting the juice and cereal out. My body was in the kitchen, but my mind was on the other side of the province thinking about that house. I stood at the kitchen window and looked at the familiar scene just outside and was instantly brought back to this city and all the history I have here. We have lived here for over 30 years. My children were born and raised here and I have wonderful neighbours and good good friends in this area. Why would I even think of leaving this place?

The smell of fresh brewed coffee woke John up and he came sauntering into the kitchen and stood behind me. “So, what are you thinking about this morning?” he asked. As if he didn’t know. We have both been tossing and turning at night and thinking about nothing else but this house and what we should do.

I told him that I felt like I was on a high-flying trapeze. I had a firm grip on this familiar bar and was swinging through life quite nicely right here and now. I knew the feel of this old trapeze, the weight of it, the height of it, the length of rope holding it, and I was comfortable. The air that I was swinging through was warm and I felt quite safe and confident. I had developed a certain skill and had a good rhythm going. I also knew that my hands were getting weaker and one day I would have to let got of this familiar old trapeze and grab hold of a new one. Maybe a smaller one, a lighter one, a lower one.

The timing has to be right though. I can see this new trapeze flying towards me as I arc in the air and start to move toward it. All sorts of questions spin through my mind as I swing through the air. Is this the time to let go and clasp the new one? Do I have the right height? Is it close enough? Should I take one more swing back before I let go? Back and forth, back and forth I go.

I have been doing this since we were offered the property last year and I still don’t have the courage or strength to let go of the old comfortable well-known bar and grab the new one. It is the letting go of the familiar and the few seconds of terrorizing yet exhilarating free-fall before I clasp the unknown that has my fingers firmly clamped around the old trapeze.

I am reminded of this quote that I have given to many people over the years,
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell

Goodness, it is so hard to let go of the known and reach out to the unknown isn’t it? God give me courage and wisdom.

Well, I am swinging along here in this beautiful autumn sunshine and I will continue to work on my courage and hopefully know when the timing is right and have the wisdom and strength to let go of the old and clasp the new when it is time.

In the meantime I will enjoy this well-worn trapeze of my life and maybe head out on my bike to pedal off some stress and clear my head. Life is good. All I really have is today, so I must determine to experience it and not waste it worrying about tomorrow. Enjoy the present, focus on the positive and keep moving forward in joy.

Listen carefully and you might hear my faint humming today “She flies through the air with the greatest of ease, that daring old woman on the flying trapeze!!” Wheee, here I go. Come join me for the ride. It is bound to be a blast!

1 comment:

Lynn said...

I can identify with what you are going through. I am seriously thinking about moving to a new place in the neighborhood next Spring. Your analogy about the trapeze is right on. I have read that moving to a new place is one of the most stressful things in life.

The idea of moving to a new place is definitely starting to wear on me. I remember when I moved from Iowa to Chicago 20 years ago. I went through a lot of culture shock.

I'll keep your Joseph Campbell quotation in mind as I meditate on moving.

Hang in there. It sounds like you can't lose no matter what you decide.